Every year around my eldest son’s birthday, I revisit in my mind what happened each hour leading up to his birth. Due to some complications, my labor had to be induced at the hospital.
After lots of pain and little progress, I accept an epidural at 8 pm on Wednesday night, the day after I arrived at the hospital. I cry with embarrassment and frustration. I make my husband swear not to tell ANYONE that I had an epidural. I had wanted a natural birth so badly and loudly (snobbily? naively?) had told everyone ahead of time why I was choosing drug free natural holistic birth. I felt like I was flunking birth.
As the clock ticks along, my doctor starts threatening a c-section if I don’t “move along”. Finally I get to the magic number: 10 centimeters of dialation. At five am on Thursday morning, I start pushing with my husband holding one leg and my dear friend holding the other. The epidural has worn off. My pushes are not sufficient. A senior nurse comes in and started coaching me like a drill sergeant. 1….2…3… PUSH!!!!!! I am exhausted. I push so hard, I can’t even keep the water I am drinking down. (Not to gross you out, but let’s keep it real.) The doctor (who had been on call for twenty three hours) threatens c-section if baby is not out by six am, having become concerned for baby’s health.
At around 5:45 am, my sergeant nurse has an epic show down with the man coming to prep me for a c-section. She insists I am going to deliver this baby. At 6:10, my scrunchy teeny weeny precious 7 lb 6 oz baby is out. He latches perfectly to nurse after they got his poop off him.
I soon discover the worst pain is the after birth contractions.
As an idealist, I had wanted so much to have a pain-free natural birth (something some of my friends have achieved through hypno-birthing, but alas, I have not). Instead I had a painful, drug induced one. The process didn’t fit my picture or my fantasies at all.
But as I look at my little tiny baby, I am in awe. First and foremost because of him. But honestly, I am also in awe of myself. I have just endured my most intensive physical trial ever. I am in shock that this was real- that this being was actually inside me five minutes ago.
Not every birth (thank goodness) is as dramatic as mine- but every birth is an initiation into a new world. And whatever the circumstances of our entrance into motherhood, all of us have to, at one point or another, let go of “how this is supposed to be” in favor of what is. That’s when we discover our real inner strength. When we realize that even when things do not go according to plan, we can be resilient and make a new plan.
People don’t call In Shifra’s Arms when things are going according to plan. But together we walk with our clients to help them discover more strength than they knew they had and begin building a new future.
Postscript: I do look back and laugh at my insanely wanting to keep my epidural a secret. Ironically, all my cousins, who were told against my wishes, responded with: “What took her (expletive removed) so long?”
